Anyone have a copy of this?

I've been looking for this for ages now, and I'm so desperate that I'm actually asking the blogger community for help. PLEASE, if anyone can make me a copy of this...!

Hitcher In The Dark

Umberto Lenzi directed this late 80’s slasher/giallo using American production values and actors. The story involves a young good-looking psycho killer named Mark (played by Joe Balogh) who has some serious abandonment issues and goes around in a mobile home picking up hitch-hiking girls and murdering them without any remorse. Going around, doing his thing, he falls for a young blonde named Daniela (Josie Bissett from Melrose Place) who just had a fight with her boyfriend, Kevin (Jason Saucier). At first they look like they might hit it off, but soon Mark shows his true colors, and Daniela is forced to use her body, and her brains, to fight off this psycho killer who has just become infatuated with her.

Lenzi is on top of his game here, being able to create a movie that doesn’t feel cheezy at all (the way that Nightmare City and Cannibal Ferox feel) and goes back to his giallo days when he made films like Orgasmo and Seven Blood-Stained Orchids. You can see he had a nice budget to work with as well. His two leads are pretty damn good as well, with Joe Balogh being able to sell me well with his rich, good-looking playboy half and also with his psychotic mommy-loving serial killer side. He’s the original Patrick Bateman! Josie Bissett is also great here, being able to have a lot of beauty and smarts, and her actions and emotions feeling very realistically. I really felt for her predicament, man! She’s beautiful too and when she shows off that movie-star body, I sure as hell take notice.
Sadly the ending sucks. After a great reveal featuring his wealthy lifestyle, a *SPOILER ALERT* main character comes back from the dead and takes care of the killer. It’s sloppy and ridiculous, and takes away from the power of the original true ending. In the movie’s extras, Lenzi discusses how this could have been his masterpiece, and I believe him, until the producers decided to tack on that obligatory happy ending. When will the money-men ever learn?

All in all, this is a really damn good exploitation thriller, with some genuine thrills and solid scares, and it’s nice share of gore and nudity to please exploitation fans.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Mark Damon (who was in a bunch of spaghetti westerns) plays an 18th century scholar who believes he's found the ring of the Nibelungen, probably named after the Wagner opera, which holds great power, conveniently located at Castle Dracula. His gambling twin brother takes off before him, and naturally finds a countess who invites him to dine. Later that night, the more scholarly of the brothers arrives. Coincidently, it's the Night of the Virgin Moon, a night that falls every fifty years and draws five virgins from the surrounding village to the castle not be heard from again. Our hero sets out to protect his brother, find the ring, and rescue any of the women, who naturally disrobe for the festivities.I don’t know what can say about this movie, since everything you would like to know about it is right there on the small synopsis. It’s your typical European gothic horror movie trying to cash in on the Hammer horror craze, which was also going down by this time. It’s a very old-fashioned scarefest that also happens to have it’s fair share of horror and sex. The performances are rather ho-hum, although I have to give a lot of love to Rosalba Neri, the most perverted and brave actress of the European horror scene during the early 70’s. In movies like this one, Lady Frankenstein and Slaughter Hotel (where we get to see her masturbate full-frontal, yay!), Neri goes completely for the gold, giving an uninhibited sexual performance that makes the hairs of any men and women stand up in admiration.
Other than the sex, I really liked the gothic atmosphere in the film. But other than these two things, there’s not much to recommend here. It comes and goes, just like taking a dump. You live it while you drop it, but after that, you just flush it down the toilet.

Doctor Mordrid

One of my best friends, Eugene, is a complete Full Moon nut. He keeps recommending me movie after movie from this infamous low-budget studio, but I have to admit I have only seen a handful, my favorites being the original Puppet Master and their version of Poe’s Pit & The Pendulum, which is one of the greatest horror movies from the 90’s. One of the movies he kept recommending me was Dr. Mordrid, which is more of a fantasy/superhero film. I’m not much into fantasy movies but I do like superheroes, so I decided to give it a shot.

The story deals with a sorcerer, Dr. Mordrid, played by Jeffrey Combs of Re-Animator fame. He has been waiting for centuries for the return of an evil sorcerer named Kabal (played by the guy who played Shao Kahn in the Mortal Kombat sequel). With the help of a spunky policewoman, he tries to destroy the evil force, even though he seems to be getting more flack from the police than help. Kabal associates himself with cheesy Satanists and the culminating battle in the museum is something that must be seen to be believed, as dinosaur bones come to life and fight to the death.It’s hard not to like this movie, even if it is flawed. The best part of the movie are the acting and the effects. Jeffrey Combs and Brian Thompson are great, being able to make us believe there is truly an age-old rivalry between them, and their individual scenes are just excellent. I’m amazed how serious they are with their roles, considering how silly the script is. The end sequence with the dinosaurs fighting is excellent. Nothing beats old school stop-motion animation, man! Sadly, the screenplay is very clichéd and by the numbers, and there aren’t really any surprises here. I also found it weird that the movie doesn’t seem to know what tone to go for. It could have easily been made into a superhero/fantasy family film, but for some reason Charles Band decided to add a nude sequence with one of the Satanists. It’s weird, and completely out of context with the rest of the movie. Still, like I said, it’s hard not to like it. It’s like junk food, or The Lost Boys: they’re not great, but they’re fun, and you have to discover them for yourself.
A little bit of trivia for you: the movie was originally meant to be a Dr. Strange adaptation. Yep, the Marvel Dr. Strange. But Full Moon lost the rights, but they decided to go ahead anyway, with a few changes, of course.

Der Todesking

Jorg Buttgereit’s horror films are something of an arthouse mutant. Sure, they have a lot of grotesque elements, from serial killers to necrophilia, but they do have a sensitivity and style that is more akin to Ingmar Bergman than to George Romero. His two Nekromantic films are masterpieces in my book, so I was anxiously awaiting to get to see this, his sophomore effort after the original Nekromantic.
The story is that similar to an omnibus, or many stories in one film. It deals with a chain-letter about Der Todesking, or the King Of Death. Everyone who reads it and responds it, goes on and commits some sort of murder/suicide. And sadly, for the most part, this movie bored the hell out of me. A lot of the stories just drag on and on, particularly the first one about the fish lover, and the guy who rents the Nazi exploitation movie. The last one however was the worst, with the bad actor repeatedly slamming his head against the wall until he gets brain damage. For stories so short, they just didn’t move quick enough.
There are some things that I liked, however. I thought the Wednesday story, about a man who meets a woman in the park during a rainy day and explains how he murdered his wife, is pretty damn interesting, mainly because of the intense performance of the lead actor. Sadly, I wish I could have actually seen the story instead of just hearing it from the mouth of the actor. However, my favorite story by far is the one featuring the psychotic, murderous camerawoman. She sticks a camera to a steadycam strapped to her body and goes on a killing spree in a rock concert. Hell, I could watch a whole movie about this character.
Another interesting aspect of the film are the sequences with the rotting corpse that pop up in between the stories. It looks like a real corpse decomposing. I’m pretty sure they used a latex dummy full of real meat inside and just let it rot, but the effect is amazing.
So I wouldn’t say this is a great movie, nor is it one of Buttgereit’s best, but it does have it’s interesting moments nonetheless.

Adventureland

From the moment I heard the opening sequence with The Replacement’s Bastards Of Young playing, I knew that I would love this movie. Greg Mottola made one of my favorite teen comedies a few years ago with the great Superbad, so I was really pumped to see his follow up film.

The story deals with a young man named James (Jesse Eisenberg), who has just graduated college and wants to go to New York. Sadly, his parents are strapped for cash, so his dreams of visiting the big apple are cut shorts and he is forced to work at Adventureland, a theme park where he’s forced to work on the ‘games’, which is as miserable as it gets. Here, he makes new friends and goes through great experiences, including finding a new love with a pretty but troubled rocker girl (played by Kristin Stewart).

The main strength of the film is in it’s writing and it’s acting, which is not surprising since this is, in it’s heart, a romantic comedy. But to me, this was so much more. You see, I also remember my lives in shitty jobs, particularly my many years at the airport, and having to go through much of what the character experienced. Hell I even met my first girlfriend while working at the airport. So this movie definitely spoke more to me than it would to most others. Jesse Eisenberg does a great job, even if he is basically playing the same character he plays in every single movie he’s ever been (similar to Michael Cera). He’s very believable and funny, and realistic without being extremely on-the-nose. I also loved Kristen Stewart. Stewart gets a lot of flack since she got into the Twilight series (and with good reason, they’re terrible), but he does a great job here, playing a very flawed and emotional character and being able to handle it like a trooper. How can you not fall in love with a girl who listens to Husker Du? Come on! Husker Du, dudes! We also get really good supporting performances by Bill Hader as the nutty boss and Ryan Reynolds as the cool, sensitive rocker guy who likes to sleep around. And props go to Margarita Levieva as Lisa P, the perfect whorish 80’s chick.
There’s not much else I can say about this film, I just really loved it and related to it’s story in ways that I’m sure many people won’t. It’s funny and it’s romantic, and it’s one of my favorite films of the last 10 years. No kidding.

The Collector

A lot of my friends had recommended me to watch The Collector, a 2009 film by the writers of the last few Saw sequels. And to think, I first thought they were talking about a remake of the 1960’s Terence Stamp psycho-thriller (so you can tell how much of a lifeless nerd I am). The fact that it was made by the same people who made the last Saw sequels didn’t help much either, as I saw part IV and didn’t like shit about it and haven’t seen any since. But after all the discussion, I finally decided to give in like the wimp that I am and gave it a watch.
The story is simple enough. It deals with an ex-con who is desperate for money to help pay his ex-wife’s debts. Arkin (Josh Stewart), our ex-con, decides to rob the high-tech security house of his current employer, who he thinks is out on a vacation with his family. But when he gets there, Arkin discovers that the house has been targeted by another criminal, a psychotic serial killer known as The Collector (Juan Fernandez) who has set up the house full of deadly traps. Now it’s up to Arkin to try and save himself, and the captured family, from this particularly nasty serial killer.
For the first half-hour of this movie, I was nearly moved to tears. The movie was plagued by the problem of Mtv video editing, full of the quick cuts and montages that plague most modern horror films today (the Saw series in particular). I was almost desperate, even considering shutting the movie off. But then, something happened. We get to the house and we meet our serial killer, and then the movie turns a complete 180.

The character of The Collector is simply the greatest, and most interesting horror movie monster since Tony Todd scared the beejezus out of me in the original Candyman. Every time he’s on-screen, he owns the movie. His look, his body language, his androgynous physique which makes him look both like a man and a woman, and his dark, amphibious eyes. You could see his mind ticking, and he’s quite a frightening character. Few slasher killers are this interesting.
Then there’s the traps. The movie is full of them, and I’m not surprised since the film is so linked to the Saw series. However, the traps here, to me, are much more grotesque and frightening than anything Jigsaw ever constructed. A particularly nasty moment with a needle on the phone made me cringe. I don’t want to give anything away, but they are very bloody and gory. And thank you, filmmakers, for giving me a nice piece of gratuitous t&a thanks to the beautiful breasts of Madeline Zima (Californication). Gratuitous nudity is something that is sorely missed in horror movies today.
So to finish, I highly recommend this film. The first half hour is pretty boring, but once the horror starts, the movie becomes a tour-de-force slasher film with tons of suspense, gore, tits, and a serial killer that will give anyone the willies. Go check it out!

The Expendables

A group of kick-ass mercenaries stand together and pull off their fair share of suicide missions in order to take care of some pretty ugly baddies. These mercenaries are The Expendables, and they just got themselves a new mission: taking out an evil dictator in an island in the Caribbean that are being manipulated by a tyrannical American businessman (played by Eric Roberts). Only strength, bullets and testosterone can take care of this.

I’ve been waiting the longest time for this. I had become a big fan of Stallone once again after seeing the double-punch of greatness known as Rambo and Rocky Balboa, and I was ready for more. What I got was a movie that not only put him back on the top of the action world, but one where he shared the spotlight with other kick-ass action superheroes, past and modern. Jason Stratham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren and Mickey Rourke play the good guys, with bad guys being composed of Eric Roberts, Steve Austin and Gary Daniels (yes, THAT Gary Daniels, Fist Of The North Star Gary Daniels!).

Anyway, enough of my own dorky fanboy-ness. Is the movie any good? Well, it is actually. The script is pretty tight for an action movie. It follows the typical 10-minute beat, which means it has a kick-ass action scene every 10 minutes, with the last half hour being a non-stop action sequence. And it’s in the action sequences that the movie gets damn good. We have some epic match-ups over here, dudes. Jet Li vs. Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin vs. Silvester Stallone, Randy Couture vs. Steve Austin, really awesome shit.

Sadly, there were some flaws. For the most part, the performances were damn good. Stallone, Dolph Lundgren and Jason Stratham were excellent, but the movie clearly belongs to Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke. Roberts plays an excellent cheesy bad guy, while Rourke is just a cool guy with a great emotional moment that will remind everyone of his best moments in The Wrestler. Sadly the rest of the cast are basically glorified cameos, even with the two female performers. And while it was nice to see Willis and Schwarzenegger, it was basically just a throwaway scene. There are also some scenes that could have easily been a part of another movie, that had nothing to do with the film itself, main one being the sequence where Jason goes after the guy who beat up his girlfriend. This scene adds nothing to the story and could have easily been a part of a Transporter sequel. There’s also a lot of CGI gore, and CGI gore always sucks.

Even with it’s flaws, this movie is exactly what it’s trying to be, a very entertaining, explosive action film, a thrill ride that everyone with a sweet taste for shit blowing up will enjoy to the hilt. Go check it out.

Best Worst Movie

Movies are quite odd sometimes. There are movies that are given all the care in the world, all the world in the world, have the biggest budgets and the greatest talents, both in front and behind the camera, and never get any sort of recognition that they deserve. Kick-Ass comes to mind. Then there are those weird films that are just bad on every sort of artistic and technical level, yet are still able to make an impression and reach an audience that the people involved never dreamed of reaching. Plan 9 From Outer Space, Manos the Hands of Fate, Robot Monster, The Room, all these movies fall under this category. And so does Troll 2.

Now, I have previously reviewed Troll 2, and called it for what it was: bad, but entertaining. But it turns out there is quite a love affair for Troll 2 out there, and this documentary is made to document such a phenomenon. It was directed by Michael Stephenson, who also played the lead role of the boy who wants to save his family from a town of vegetarian troll monsters. The documentary centers on actor/dentist George Hardy, and their search for what happened to everyone involved in the production.
George Hardy is quite a guy. He’s friendly as hell and funny, and seems to be enjoying the fuck out of his sudden fame. We see him having a blast in the screenings, recreating the scenes with the other actors, and freaking out at the people who go to horror conventions. It’s also fun to see Claudio Fergasso, who directed Troll 2 (and is more famous for all his remakesploitation films he made with Bruno Mattei). He believes he made a truthful piece of Americana/rural gothic, which talks about the problems American families face. It’s interesting, if a little hilarious, to see someone talk about such a bad movie in such high regard, but you got to respect such a conviction from a man like this.

The movie does have it’s downer moments, though. Mainly the scenes involving actress Margo Pray, who played the mother. She has become a total shut-in who takes care of her mother. Seeing her in her botox-covered glory really bummed me out. There’s also Robert Ormsby, who played Grampa Seth, talking about how much he wasted his life.
Still, this is quite a great documentary. It’s informative, hilarious and entertaining as hell, and gives you both an entrance into the world of misfit filmmakers, and the misfits who love their movies. I wish every bad movie had a documentary like this.

Coming Back Soon

Man, it's been a long time since I had regular reviews in here. When I started this blog, I used to put up about 9 reviews every two or three days! Damn, I had a lot of time to watch movies. Well that all changed, for better or for worse, since I've been finishing my first full-lenght film, Bloodlust, and now I'm getting my old full-time job back (I've been unemployed since 2008). I'm hoping to start work on my second film by the end of the year, Snuffed, a film about snuff films that's actually a full-lenght remake of one of my earliest shorts.

But soon I'll get back to my reviewing mode, simply because I really love doing reviews. So to anyone who cares, there you go.

S&M, Kink and Surreal Goofyness: The Cin(Sin)Ema of Matthew Saliba

I first heard of Mr. Saliba while looking at the Severed Cinema website, and reading these reviews of a couple of short films by some canadian guy. I was captivated right away, in part by the beautiful lighting and composition in the photos, and because they were done in photographic stills instead of the usual film/digital way, similar to Chris Marker’s classic La Jette. But most of all, I was captivated by the beautiful nude ladies. That was it, I had to watch them. I tried looking for these shorts but didn’t have much luck, so I decided to just contact the filmmaker point blank, to see if he could offer me his films in exchange for a review on this blog nobody watches. Curiously enough, he said yes. Since then I’ve been able to have small conversation with Matthew, and have noticed he’s a guy that takes his work seriously, but not himself, which is a good trait in a filmmaker (so many of us have such fragile egos).

So I got the package in the mail last Friday with five films by Mr. Saliba (which means drool in Spanish, btw) and started giving them a watch. First, we have two early short films, The Manipulator And The Subservient and Pandora’s Paradox. They were both shot in a familiar manner, and have a very ‘film school’ vibe to them, which isn’t a bad thing. The problem with these two shorts is that we can see a filmmaker trying to find his own style, but not getting there yet. On the plus side, the acting is pretty damn good, frenetic and energetic as the story dictates. Pandora’s Paradox goes for a surreal David Lynch vibe that I can kind of understand, but for the life of me, I couldn’t stop laughing. I found the movie to be a surreal black comedy, and I hope this was Saliba’s intentions. From the woman giving birth to the giant toe, to the crazy S&M between the parents and the goofy-looking doctor, I couldn’t stop giggles.
After these two shorts came She Was Asking For It, and boy, here we really started cooking. The story involves a man who is raped and abused by a duo of women, so he decides to take revenge against them with a giant dildo. This is where Saliba’s photographic style began, at least based on the films I received. Saliba is style and substance, as he is able to show in a short film what a lot of people wish they could achieve in feature length films. The colors are vivid, with many gels and surreal tones adding to the dark images. Not only do they reflect the darkness of the story but o f the psychology and revenge of the characters. Many people would probably think ‘Argento’ first, but I have to say that he reminds me more of another giallo filmmaker, Sergio Martino, particularly All The Colors Of The Dark. The only flaw in the film, for me, is the music. Most of it comes from the Lost Highway soundtrack and it’s more distracting than mood-enhancing. Still, this is a great short film.
Even better than She Was Asking For It, was his second short in the photographic style, known as Vampyros Lesbos. Now, before you hit the brakes, yes, I know that this is the title of a Jess Franco film. My favorite Franco film, personally. It doesn’t surprise me that Saliba would do his own re-envisioning of Franco’s work, as both filmmakers share similar themes, particularly the stuff Jess made in the late 60’s/early 70’s (Venus in Furs, Succubus). The story deals with a female vampire who seduces Saliba’s girlfriend and steals her for himself, so Saliba decides “I’m staking these bitches”.

This is the best of Saliba’s films. It takes the promise of She Was Asking For It and takes it to the higher level. Not only is the story better and more complex, but so is the style. You see, as much as I liked She Was Asking For It, the way it was made makes it very self-aware. Here, the style isn’t as noticeable and blends better to make the story easier to follow. There’s also a ton of nudity in this film. As beautiful as the homicidal and vampiric as Isabelle Stephen and Kitty Daly are in their roles, my favorite has to be Kayden Rose as Morpho. I wish the Morpho in the Franco films was as beautiful as the one here.
Matthew has said in many of his interviews that his movies are mostly about creating a mix between horror and sadomasochism, a sexual lifestyle that I must admit that I take no part in. Not my thing. But Saliba’s films have to be applauded for making their approaches to sadomasochism in a very realistic and truthful way (before the murders happen). It’s a relief from the typical use of s&m as automatic comic relief (if you want proof, watch Tomboys or Euro Trip). So search out his films as soon as possible, his profile is in both Myspace and Facebook. He’s a nice guy and will gladly share his art with the world.

Come back soon for my review of Frankenstein Unlimited, a five-part film omnibus produced and created by Saliba!

The Ten Best (and Five Worst) Movies to be featured in MST3K

When I was a young guy, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 pretty much ruled my life. Before my passion for horror or filmmaking or anything, it was MST3K that gave me an education in bad cinema and cheesy comedy. Looking bad on it, it’s still hilarious. The writing is great, the characters have a lot of chemistry, Clayton Forrester is a hilarious villain, the robots look great and the props are cheesy. Hell, I even love Tom Servo’s singing voice. But hey, not ALL of the movies they featured were that bad. These are my 10 favorite movies to appear on the show.

10. King Of The Rocket Men
OK so I’m cheating a little here, as this is more of a serial than an actual movie, but for a whole season MST3K used to open with this short before moving to it’s main bad movie. And to be fair, this is a pretty cool serial, with a cool superhero (well, kinda) and pretty inventive special effects sequences. Some of it didn’t make a lick of sense, but it’s very entertaining. And what a fun costume!

9. Robot Monster
What can I say, this movie is bad, but I love it, it’s hilarious. I already spoke about this is in a previous post, so I’m not going to go into detail. I can only say that I wish I had the Ro-Man’s costume.

8. Godzilla Vs. Megalon
Even though this poster makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE, this is one of the most ludicrous of the Godzilla film series, and that’s saying a lot. The monster with chrystler buildings for hands that burps red eggs is a true triumph of cheesyness, and Jet Jaguar? Well, what can I say about Jet Jaguar that hasn’t been said before.

7. Parts: The Clonus Horror This is a movie that definintely suffers from being in MST3K, since the movie has nudity and explilcit violence that was cut from the show. Still, the movie is a damn good scifi-horror film that was recently released thanks to the guys from Mondo Macabro, and comes highly recommended.

6. The Brain That Wouldn’t Die
A quasi-feminist horror/sci fi hybrid from the 50’s has some truly surreal moments, even though it’s got some of the lowest budgets in the history of the movies to be featured in the show. With guys with deformed arms, a sexist doctor looking for the perfect body for his old wife, and a female head which shares a psychic power with a giant made out of spare parts (I have no idea), there is no way that this movie couldn’t be entertaining.

5. Gamera
I love Gamera as much as I love Godzilla, but I can’t say I’m a fan of the old series. After all, they’re all cheesy kids movies who couldn’t appeal intelectually to anyone older than 12. Still, the first Gamera movie is still pretty damn good, has a lot of kaiju action and the monster itself is pretty cool. Still, the series didn’t get as good until Gamera: Guardian of the Universe came out in the 90’s.

4. Revenge Of The Creature
I was actually shocked when I found out this movie was in the series. I mean, this is a 30’s MGM musical compared to some of the no-budget monstrosities the show has shown. This movie continues the adventures of the Gill Man, trying to terrorize people and falling in love, this time with a blonde. The first half of the plot takes place in a marine park, pre-dating Jaws 3D by about 20 years. Man, Jaws 3D should have been on this show, that movie sucks.

3. This Island Earth
I’m breaking the rule a bit for this one, since it was on the MST3K motion picture that came to theaters for like, 2 days in the mid 90’s. Even if the jokes the guys make are hilarious, the movie isn’t that bad, as far as 50’s sci fi flicks go. And I really like the Metaluna mutant’s design.

2. Squirm
This is one of the best eco-horrors of the late 70’s, featuring mutated earthworms killing people. The special effects are pretty creepy and gory and the acting is damn good. It almost sours the fact that Jeff Lieberman was really angry that his movie got parodied in the show. Get a sense of humor, dude.

1. Danger: Diabolik One of the best of the spy movies from the 1960’s, and directed by the master Mario Bava, this movie has it all: pretty girls, amazing sets, kick-ass action sequences and one of the most badass anti-heroes in the history of cinema. I fucking love this movie.

But it’s not all fun and games; after all, this movie is KNOWN for bad movies. And for me, these 5 almost made me want to shoot myself when I saw them without the MST3K riffing. I am convinced there is no way anyone can stay sane watching them in their normal way.

5. The Final Sacrifice
This Canadian backyard production was quite a woozy, with some amateur production values and villains that are as threatening as a recently-born kitty cat. The only good thing about this flick is ‘professional adventurer’ Rorsdower.

4. Eegah
Watch out for snakes! One of the most popular films in the series is quite a migraine when you watch it without the riffing. Jaws from the James Bond films goes around trying to get a girl and fighting Arch Hall Jr. and his cheesy, bad rockabilly music.

3. Beginning Of The End
The wooden acting of Peter Graves fights badly-rendered giant locusts. What more can I say?

2. Monster A Go-Go.
A half-produced film that was hijacked by Herschell Gordon Lewis and turned into some cheesy sci-fi horror hybrid has some headache-inducing voice over and some of the worst audio in the history of cinema. It drags at a snails-like pace and nothing really happens with the exception of a ‘monster’ walking around and people reacting. Awful.

1. Manos: The Hands Of Fate
Oh boy… this movie. If you don’t turn this off before the first 15 minutes, you’re a brave soul like me. You might get some hilarity from the soundtrack and the infamous Torgo character, there is truly nothing there to recommend. The only movie you’ll see made by a fertilizer salesman.