When I was in high school, I was able to read Alan Moore’s seminal comic book series, The Watchmen. This was 2002, and from the first page until the end I felt like I had entered a new world, a world that said fuck you to your typical superhero clichés and saw them as morally corrupt, pessimistic, uncaring, egomaniacal and psychotic. I would recommend it to anyone I knew and everyone thought the same, that it was awesome. I knew they had been trying to make a film out of it for many years, but I really couldn’t imagine the movie working. It’s such an epic story, and such a downer, that I couldn’t visualize the typical Hollywood moviegoer going and watching the damn film. In 2009 the adaptation finally came out, adapted by a director I was half and half about (love 300, hate the Dawn of the Dead remake). How did it fare?
Well, half and half. The movie is definitely not as epic as the comic book, but then again I was expecting the adaptation to be different. Otherwise, what’s the point of making the film? From comics to movies there are always changes, and fanboys always take it overtly seriously, and I never understood why. The script is solid, able to take it’s central theme, that of a killer targeting superheroes and the living ones investigating it, and able to flesh it’s most psychologically complex elements, like the relationships and psyches of the characters, without sacrificing the most important aspects of it. Zach Snyder is on top of his game as a filmmaker, able to replicate a lot of what the comic features while adding his own flavor at the same time. His use of editing and music is particularly effective, from the excellent opening credits featuring Bob Dylan’s The Times They Are A’ Changin’, the funeral sequence featuring Simon And Garfunkel’s Sound Of Silence, and the arrival to Ozymandias’ pyramid home to the tune of Hendrix’s “All Along The Watchtower”. These sequences are as good as editing gets.
The casting is spot-on, for the most part. The main stand-out is Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, the psychotic vigilante with the ever-changing face. His portrayal is truly frightening but sympathetic enough to make his rants relatable, particularly when he narrates the event with the pedophile. Matthew Goode (Ozymandias), Jeffrey Dean Morgan (The Comedian) and Patrick Wilson (Nite Owl) are all excellent as well, making their performances as faithfully to the comic counterparts as possible. Many have criticized Billy Crudup’s performance as Dr. Manhattan to be dull and lifeless, but like it or not, that’s how the character is. The only way to create and uncaring character is to make an uncaring performance, and he did it well. The only flaw in the film is Malin Ackerman, who is pretty good at comedies but can’t act in dramatic roles at all. I still don’t understand why she gets top billing. She looks hot so she did her purpose. I just wish they had used Carla Gugino for the role instead of Ackerman.
The movie changes some things from the comic, such as the apocalyptic finale created by Ozymandias, but honestly, seeing an alien invasion wouldn’t have worked in a film the way it did in the comic book, and I was glad they changed it. As far as adaptations gom, this is one of the best to ever come out, being able to stay faithful to the material while being original at the same time. Highly recommended.
Oh Japan, won’t you ever learn? Of course you won’t, and thank God for that. And thank God for Synapse, for releasing this classic sleazy horror film from the land of the rising sun! The story deals with a group of sleazy fashion photographers who take a few models and makeup artist girls into a country house for fun and fucking. But soon, for no apparent reason, a naked dude covered in mud and with a huge penis starts slaughtering them all, one by one.
The film’s storyline is similar to Evil Dead, although this is nowhere near as good. It is however a pretty sleazy and slutty affair. Basically a horror porn, it features hardcore pornography and realistic sex scenes, only covered up by a blur thanks to Japan’s tendency of covering up the private areas downstairs on their performers. The sex can sometimes be very disgusting, and more than once the women spit out and choke on huge wads of semen. These long sex scenes are basically filler, and the movie could easily last half an hour if you trimmed them down. The deaths are all pretty gory however, so it makes up for it. We get a beheading by broken glass, a guy impaled by a lance, a dude who’s eye pops out after getting a hammer to the head, and my favorite, a woman who’s gone insane with sex, and after receiving a cumshot that looks more like a hose than anything else, gets the ‘ultimate fisting’, as the killer rams his arm up her joytrail and it ends up coming out of her stomach. Sam Raimi was never this ballsy!
The film is very well directed and the lighting is truly impressive, featuring a lot of good backyard shots. These are the ones that remind you the most of Evil Dead. Oddly enough, this movie is known more around the world as Guts Of A Virgin, and the director would make two more films in the series, both featuring the title of Entrails Of A Beautiful Woman. I have to review that one in the future. Anyway, this movie is gross and violent and pretty damn fun, just don’t watch it with your girlfriend unless she has an unusually strong stomach.
The movie is a juggernaut when it comes to the acting. Vincent Price is excellent in his role, bringing the same class and talent that he was known for. His scenes with Peter Cushing and Robert Quarry are an actor’s dream, and his solo monologue before commiting his ‘suicide by fire’ is nothing short of amazing. Peter Cushing is also excellent, although I felt that in the end he was over-acting quite a bit. It’s still really fun to see them both go at it in the final fight scene. There are a lot of beautiful women, the standout being Linda Hayden, famous for her naked role in Blood From Satan’s Claw and Taste The Blood Of Dracula, and she looks exactly the same here as she did on those movies. No nudity, sadly. Adrienne Curry (Clockwork Orange, Vampire Circus) is beautiful too, and for some reason she also looks beautiful to me after her deforming accident, looking like a New Waver long before there was such a thing. The murders are sadly nowhere near as entertaining as they were in Phibes and Theatre Of Blood, but they’re still pretty fun to watch, particularly the director who gets himself crushed by a mechanical bed.
The movie was done by AIP and Amicus, although it looks like something out of a Roger Corman picture, with the same kinds of lights and tinting cinematography. We get to see a lot of stock footage from old Price films, the best being the stuff from The Haunted Palace which features Dr. Death spliced in to look like he was a part of the movie. The ending’s burning finale is also a staple of Corman/Price’s adaptations. This is a very memorable and entertaining 70’s horror film that, although riddled with clichés, sports a good cast and is very entertaining.
The sex in this movie is pretty explicit for a softcore movie, but I have to admit, I loved it. Corinne Clery is one of the bravest actresses of the 70’s, showing everything but the rainbow and at the same time being able to give a strong, emotive performance. I love the fact that she really gives herself completely to her masters, particularly to Rene’s friend, Sir Stephen (Anthony Steel), who ends up falling in love with her, a no-no in this type of situations. But of course, Rene then becomes secondary to O’s story and Stephen becomes the priority. She gets herself whipped, has group sex with women at his request, and even brands herself, first with a clitoris piercing and then with your typical cow branding. Ouch! Now that’s commitment.
Just Jaeckin directs this film in the same way he did his more famous film, Emmanuelle, featuring beautiful production design and an abundance of gold colors. The film isn’t as sexually explicit as Emmanuelle, but it really doesn’t need to be. This movie is good enough and erotic enough that it doesn’t need an Asian woman smoking through her vagina, although to be fair, that is always a fun thing to watch. It’s a great film and comes highly recommended.
The main drive of the movie is the performance by Isabelle Adjani, who’s performance caused a lot of controversy when the film came out. She’s intense and almost psychotic, but always with a hint of sadness. Such instances as when she’s cutting herself in the kitchen or arguing repeatedly with Sam Neill make you want to grab her and shake her, especially since Sam’s acting is making things even loonier. The most memorable sequence, however, is the famous ‘birth’ sequence, when Adjani starts having what looks like an epileptic seizure, akin to being in a one-woman moshpit, in the middle of the train station, all ending in the floor with many bodily fluids coming out of her body. It’s rather gross and hard to watch but very compelling at the same time. The rest of the performances are harder to stomach, but I blame this more on the surreal nature of the film. Sam Neill and Heinz Bennett are very good actors, but their performances are so over the top, particularly Bennett’s drugged moments, that make you wonder whether it’s part of the weird nature of the film or bad direction.
As a horror film, this is almost like a weird supernatural slasher, with Adjani bringing in men into her apartment to become victims of Adjani’s new ‘lovechild’. And what a lovechild it is, looking like a tentacled squid creature, oozing and pussing with it’s tiny eyes. It was created by Carlo Rombaldi, who made mechanical special effects for Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, ET (the real one not the porno one) and Alien, and ranks up there with these more popular creations. I dare you not to flinch when watching Adjani having sex with her monstruous creation. The ending is one of the most confusing I’ve ever seen, violent and weird, just like the rest of this film. It’s the kind of movie that takes more than one watching to truly appreciate, but when you get it, you’ll see it’s an excellent and different film that should be seen to be believed.
Here, the movie takes a more romantic step, with Sarli falling in love with the painter’s brother, who is an archeologist or a tour guide, I’m not sure which. While the two fall in love, the painter is trying to create the perfect image of Sarli. These scenes are by far the most demented, with the guy taking pills and mushrooms to become crazier, and imagining Sarli nude. These are the only scenes that feature Sarli in the nude, by the way, and it’s actually pretty artistic and nowhere near as exploitative as in the more famous work like Fuego, Carne and Insaciable. She’s got a better figure, too, a beautiful hourglass figure. I wonder why Russ Meyer never used her.
Eventually the mobsters show up but Sarli and her husband are able to get married and get some pity out of the criminals (only in the movies, folks). But she can’t help but be tragic, and after making love, what follows is the most epic suicide scene in the history of the cinema. Our heroine walks off into the beach and walks into the water to drown herself, all to the tune of the famous last song from the Tannhauser opera by Richard Wagner, more famous for being used in the Looney Tunes cartoon What’s Opera, Doc (“Retuuuurn, my loooove”). So yes, it features some of the typical melodramatic elements featured in the Sarli/Bo films, but the film is also better scripted and better produced, with every intention of making Sarli a powerful superstar, and she did. Only love can do that, folks, only love.
The plot of this film follows the typical stuff you see in Sarli’s films. Sarli is a sex-starved nymphomaniac who can’t get enough of the fucking, and drives the men (and women) around her insane. Here we get to see Sarli at her most sexually explicit, with her constant breast-squeezing and masturbating. There is a scene where two men fight over her, and she masturbates as she watches them fight. We see her in the shower with another woman, and she even takes off her clothes to touch herself in the snow, and you can see it’s no fake snow, since she’s trembling all over. She also masturbates with some cigars, now that’s high class.
Not much can be said about this, it’s the type of thing that everything about it is said simply by it’s synopsis. Sarli shows why she’s one of the most beautiful women in sexploitation, oozing perversity and sexuality in every sequence she’s on. Watch it and get ready to whack it.
This movie is one of the most infamous of the 1950’s rock and roll movies, mostly because of the cast, which is pretty good. Lori Nelson (Revenge Of The Creature, Day The World Ended) is pretty damn good in her role, playing the usual tough-but-sweet blonde girl she always played in her films, while Mamie Van Doren is her usual sexpot self. She can’t really act but she’s good eye candy, that’s for sure. The black and white photography is very grimy and dry, and the settings really look depressing. Thankfully, the movie isn’t depressing at all, thanks to it’s rock and roll soundtrack. Eddie Cochran pulls out a performance of “Cottonpickin’” that is pretty damn good, and the rest of the music pieces are pretty catchy and fun. The third act returns to your typical action/drama as the plot races till the end with no rhyme or reason, and by the time the movie ends you’ll be wishing for another song.
There’s really not much I can say about this film, you’ll either like it or you don’t. I’m half and half about it, personally. Watch the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version, if you can.
As you can see, the movie is a fairytale. It’s basically an American punk remake of the English film “If…” by Lindsay Anderson, although to be honest this is nowhere near as accomplished or as deep. The acting is pretty good on the most part, with PJ Soles being her cute, ditzy self in her first starring role. Vincent Van Patten, Dey Young and Clint Howard round up the main supporting cast and they’re all great in their teenage roles, particularly Van Patten, who plays one of the biggest geeks I’ve ever seen in a movie. My favorite, however, is Mary Woronov, who is in her usual scene-stealing self, playing what could be the ultimate dominatrix, as the school principal. Her hatred of rock n’ roll seems genuine and made me hate her even more. I love Mary Woronov.
Now for the Ramones themselves. The best scenes in the film are the ones they appear in, from their entry with “I Just Want To Have Something To Do”, the romantic fantasy with “I Want You Around”, and of course, their live performance, which is uncut and features the band at it’s rawest and most primal setting. Sadly, their acting scenes are terrible. The four guys really couldn’t act, particularly Dee Dee, but thankfully this is in only one scene and the rest of the film they’re just rocking around. This is a pretty funny film and it’s very enjoyable, but only if you’re a huge fan of the Ramones like yours truly. If you’re not, don’t even bother.
This movie reminds me a lot of Night Of The Bloody Apes, not just because of it’s use of shoddy science, like the monster who looks like a monster because it was given a transfusion with gorilla blood, but the make up looks similar to that particular classic. It’s awesome to see El Santo kicking bad guy ass, and here he gets to do so, plus fight the obligatory giant monsters. Thankfully, there aren’t that many wrestling sequences, which most of the time drag the film and make it a little boring. The rest of the cast isn’t that great. Gina Romand is pretty, but she isn’t very menacing as the main villain, and is not a good addition to the Frankenstein cannon. Her changing hair styles don’t help either, the Script Girl in this film must have been drunk.
I’m a big fan of EL Santo and the Mexican wrestling movies, and you know this because of the many positive reviews I’ve given to these films in my blog, but this one just isn’t that great. It lacks a fun and wild script, and cool action sequences, the two main things that these kinds of movies need. Unless you’re a diehard like myself, I say skip it.
This movie is so infamous, that just naming it is a joke. It seems like every human being on Earth has made fun of it, and you know what? I’m one of them. This movie is so terrible is not even funny, in fact, it’s not even recommended to watch drunk with your friends to make fun of it. The main problem is in the script and dialogue. The plot makes absolutely no sense and is full of plotholes (particularly dealing with how the humans learn the Psychlos language and culture) and the first steps into the rebellion. The battles are your typical science fiction clichés that you’ve seen in everything, from Independence Day to Star Wars. But the worst part, worse than anything else, is the acting. Yes, the acting in this film is abysmal, but it shouldn’t fucking be! Barry Pepper, John Travolta, Forest Whitaker, these are all good actors! Well, they decided that the best way to deliver the lines was to give them in the most retarded way possible, particularly Travolta who indulges in over-acting that would make Charlton Heston laugh.
You know what’s really sad about this? This is a documentary, as far as Scientologists are concerned. It’s based on a crappy science fiction novel by their guru, L. Ron Hubbard, and it’s apparently a part of their religion. Yes, Hollywood people are insane, but none are as insane as scientologists, and I wouldn’t mind so much if they made at least an entertaining movie, but they can’t even do that.
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Now, I’ve seen the original serials, and I own the infamous 1980 adaptation featuring the music of Queen, but this is by far my favorite incarnation. It’s just really funny, with some very good dialogue (Good, there’s oxygen on the planet) and hilarious situations, such as the wedding where Emperor Wang is wearing the wedding dress. Acting wise, our three main characters are pretty bland, but I guess it fits their roles, as Flesh is supposed to be your typical American white boy and Suzanna Fields is there to get naked and receive some sex. More interesting are the villains. William Hunt, who plays Emperor Wang, is hilarious and wears some truly over-the-top makeup that would make Max Von Sidow blush. Another memorable performance comes from 70’s big tit queen Candy Samples, who plays the queen of the lesbian gang who try and rape Suzanna Fields.
My favorite part of the film, however, will have to be the special effects, which are truly awesome. We get a ton of photographic effects, but best of all, a ton of stop-motion animation! That’s right, my favorite kind of animation is featured here and in all it’s splendor. We get the before-mentioned cock dragons, who when they close their eyes look like real cocks, and robotic chickens who also look hilarious, but nothing beats the end’s giant monster, who looks like the inbred brother of the Kraken from Clash of the Titans (although to be fair, this movie came out a decade later). Even more hilarious is the fact that the voice, done by Coach actor Craig T. Nelson, is done in a sophisticated, soft-spoken type, even when he’s shouting profanities. It kind of reminded me of Bing Crosby’s voice, which made it a little more disturbing. So yes, this isn’t really a porno as you might think, but it’s a truly hilarious comedy full of good acting and classic special effects, and comes highly recommended. 
In the story, a doctor teaches a young man to come and see a nudist colony to learn about it and how they behave. Here, we see the nudist people having fun, swimming, talking, even playing baseball and boxing. They must have no interest in protecting their balls, I wish the baseball had hit them in the vag so they know what the cup is for. But our hero doesn’t give a shit, hell most of the time he doesn’t seem to give a shit about what he’s talking about, he’s just looking for a hot blonde that he saw when he got in. And who can blame him, look at her below! She’s a fox!
I would say that this is a bad movie, but with a running time of twenty minutes and some naked attractive women running around, you won’t really get bored. Besides, it was released in 1938 and was the first of it’s type, so it does have it’s historical significance. But then again, most nudist camp films are just plain boring, they’re simply shots of naked women and dudes playing volleyball with strategically-placed bushes and items to cover their vaginas and dicks. And this is no different. 
There’s not much you can say about this particular shit-fest. It’s one of the most famous titles of the VHS era, thanks to it’s eye-catching cover art, but really that’s the best part of the film. I know a lot of people have some particular nostalgic love for this, and I even wanted to like it on a cheese-tastic level, but I just couldn’t. There doesn’t seem to be a damn screenplay written at all, it’s just one random even after another. We don’t get any explanations as to why Lando and his family can have these weird superpowers, they go into a cave then they fight a snake man and a bunch of thugs and they God shows up, and he looks like Old Man Willow, and then he fights the Devil.
And the Devil looks as stock and generic as possible, with horns, a tuxedo, a Dracula cape and a even a damn pitchfork! The end fight is very anti-climactic, with the hero just praying and getting a stick to fight the Devil. Should have stuck the stick up the horned one’s ass! So yeah I can imagine a lot of people getting into it on a ‘so bad it’s good’ level, and you know I normally watch a lot of crap and enjoy it, but I draw the line at this one. This is one of the worst movies ever made, you have been warned.
