Mafioso

I have a deep love for Italian cinema in general, but I must say I am a bit of a hit-and-miss when it comes to Neo-Realism. I love the films of Bertolucci, Pasolini and Rosselini, but others like Visconti are not really my cup of tea. Either way I entered this film with no expectations, and ended up having a lot of fun while watching it. It’s the sort of movie that cheers you up when you feel down. Alberto Sordi plays Antonio, a factory worker who is asked to visit his old Sicily home (bringing his hot wife and kids along) and give a package to an old friend, who also happens to be the top Godfather of the place, Don Vincenzo. Soon after getting acquainted, Vincenzso asks Antonio to come to a hunting trip, which is revealed that he’s about to take part in a killing hit in New York. It has to be said, the thing that makes the movie so funny is the people. Everyone in the movie has a personality of their own, and have great faces, from Antonio’s family to the mobsters to his old friends. The family scenes are very funny too, like the dinner scene where Antonio’s wife is forced to eat the local cuisine, which isn’t really what she’s used to. Overall it’s a very funny movie and it’s highly recommended. 4 out of 5 spaghettis with squid ink.

Bled

Suffering from what could only be called “The Mtv Curse”, Bled is a film that featured a high premise, that of vampirism being similar to drug addiction, but turns it into a decidedly boring, incomprehensible mess that very few people could really enjoy. The plot makes no sense, the acting is below average by people who seems like they were picked for their roles by their looks rather than talent, an uninspired music score and very dull makeup effects. Skip it. 1 drug vampire out of 5

You ever sat down to watch a movie, expecting not to like anything about it, and come out actually enjoying it? This is exactly what happened when I saw this. There are a lot of European Exorcist rip-offs, like Behind The Door, Exorcism, The Antichrist, Eerie Midnight Horror Show, and La Endemoniada. While these are mostly Spanish and Italian, this particular one is from Germany. After a satanic man dies, his spirit goes inside (and “rapes”) a young virgin woman (hah!). After that it’s all familiar territory, as the young girl turns into a blaspheming hell-hound lusting for sex. The plot is stupid, the acting is atrocious and the suspense is nonexistent to say the least, but this film is so sleazy that it has to be seen to be believed. I nearly giggled like a 13 year old when I saw Magdalena, played by Dagmar Hedrich, writhing butt-naked in the floor, legs spread, screaming blasphemy and urging to get fucked. There are also memorable lines, my favorite being when she’s about to receive communion, and says “I don’t want it in my mouth, I want it in my pussy, you nunfucker!” Yowza! For sleazy Eurotrash fans only. 3 blaspheming teenage whores out of 5.

Dead Snow

Nazi zombies have existed for a while now, but sadly there are very few of them in movies. Shock Waves was the first and best, while Zombie Lake was one mayor piece of crap and is by far Franco/Rollin’s worst film. This is actually one of the most entertaining ones in the sub-genre. Made in Norway of all places, it deals with a bunch of college kids who go study and hang out in a snow cabin. Sadly, they discover some lost Nazi gold and it wakes up the waves of the undead. The gore is plentiful and the cinematography is gorgeous. Some of the acting is cheesy, but maybe it has something to do with the Norwegian. 4 Nazi zombies out of 5

Donkey Punch

Three girls and four dudes get on a love boat to fulfill their greatest pleasures in a night full of sex, drugs and bad British pop music. Before you know it, a girl is killed by the title’s sex act and so comes in suspense and paranoia. This movie follows in the same vein of realistic thrillers England has been releasing, such as The Children and Eden Lake. While this film is not the emotional knockout of Eden Lake, it has it’s many suspenseful moments, interesting death scenes (flare gun, baby!) and very good acting. The t&a isn’t bad either. 4 out of 5 naked British babes.

Drag Me To Hell

If there is one thing that the movies have shown us, from The Wolf Man to Thinner, is that gypsies ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. Yeah, nothing surprising about the fact that when Alison Lohman denies a loan to an old gypsy lady, she gets a curse on her where a diabolic goat demon goes after her with intents of, as it says, dragging her to hell. What was surprising however, was that this is one of the best horror movies I’ve seen in the theatre in YEARS. Sam Raimi makes his first horror movie since Evil Dead 2 (Army Of Darkness is not a horror movie, asshole!) and it’s as good as those early horror flicks, only more polished. And don’t let the PG-13 rating scare you off, it’s pretty damn disgusting and has enough blood to satisfy. This is by far the best horror movie I’ve seen this year, and I doubt anything will beat it. Then again, we’ll see.

Splinter

I had heard a lot of hype about this one, but didn’t want to watch it originally because I felt I would land into some sort of trap. Sure enough, this movie ended up being a million times better than I ever thought it would be, taking a simple premise and making it truly scary and entertaining. It deals with a couple, on vacation, who encounter another couple, two rednecky criminals, who take them hostage. After running over a small dog, one of them is infected with a creature, which is sort of similar to the one in John Carpenter’s The Thing, who grows the titular splinters all over the body, melding into other dead bodies and attacking anyone or anything in their way to transform them into part of it’s body. There are moments of true terror, such as the scene where the policewoman gets attacked, or when the hand is loose and they fight against it, that really gave me the chills. Kudos to the filmmakers for making a horror movie that was both fun, scary and entertaining. Why didn’t I get to see this in the theaters? 5 sticks on the dick out of 5.

The Seduction Of Dr. Fugazzi

Made by first-time filmmaker October Kingsley, the film deals with a psychiatrist (played by Kingsley herself) who lives a life of sex and hedonism, while at the same time having to deal with her disturbed patients. Her life comes crashing down when her mentor, Professor Elam, disappears and is suspected of murder. The film is incredibly well done by the first time director, with a great flair for lighting and set design that is way ahead of what you’d think would be in a debut film. The acting is above average as well, and I wonder how the hell they got Faye Dunaway to be in this. The ending sadly isn’t very good, or original (think an overblown, over-elaborate version of The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari’s ending). Also on a more personal note, I was kinda sad that Ms. Kingsley didn’t go topless herself, since there is some nudity. Oh well, maybe next time. Great movie tho, and very entertaining. 4 dominatrix’s out of 5.

Road House

The ultimate man movie. Seriously, that’s all you need to say about this 1990 Patrick Swayze action flick. It’s got everything a movie like it needs: kickass lines (“Be nice”), rock n’ roll music, ridiculous, over-the-top fighting and beatings, and every woman looks like a Playboy Playmate (and most show tits). The acting is above average for the type of movie, with memorable lines by Swayze, Ben Gazzara and the always great Sam Elliot. Recommended in all it’s manly glory. 5 throat-rippers out of 5.

Pervirella

Ever since I saw Cradle of Fear, I’ve been a fan of Alex Chandon. I’ve been wanting to see this film of his for many years, and was finally able to get a copy online. So was it good? Well, it was entertaining, that’s for sure. It’s the kind of movie that throws everything and blends it in a blender. Beautiful babes, cartoony villains, wacky scientists, evil queens, ninjas, monsters, it’s all thrown in. Never a dull moment, plus some nice nudity involved from scream queens Emily Blunt and Eileen Daly. Not for Michael Bay fans. 3 masturbating monsters out of 5.

The Monster Squad

Ah, what a classic! This is the kind of movie that would play every couple of Saturdays on Channel 11 around three and I would watch it, religiously. It deals with a group of kids who get involved in a plot by Dracula and his gang of monsters to retrieve a medallion that will help them take over the world. Every monster is here: Frankenstein’s Monster, The Wolf Man, The Mummy, and the Gill Man each have their own scene to shine. While it does have the trappings of a children’s movie, the movie makes up for it for having a lot of heart, some genuine scary scenes (“give me the amulet, you bitch”), and some funny moments too (“Wolf Man’s got nards!). It was finally released in the fall of 2006, after many years of waiting and living on crappy bootleg VHS, this film can now be seen as it was always meant to be. A classic. 5 out of 5 Transylvanian armadillos.

I Was A Teenage Werewolf

Somebody once said about this film that it was “A million dollar title on a thousand-dollar picture”. And yes, the film is pretty low budget even by 50’s standards, but still, there’s a lot to recommend about this film, which is influencial and yes, at times, even scary.
It deals with Tony Rivers, a young teenager in the James Dean mold, who has quite a bad temper. He gets angry over nothing: pat him on the back without telling him and he’ll slug you. Ditto if you try to prank him (even though he has no problem pranking others). So, he seeks help from a hypnotherapist played by classic character actor Whit Bissell (from Brute Force, Creature From The Black Lagoon and The Time Machine), who has a double motive for his actions: releasing a man’s inner beast. And so he does, as young Tony turns into a werewolf and starts killing people, first one of his teenage friends, then a young pretty gymnast (in a scene that was later echoed in Grindhouse’s “Thanksgiving”).
The film has a very delirious quality about it. From the makeup to the cheapness of the set designs and the frenzied acting from Michael Landon, it all seems to work. The gymnasium scene is known as one of the best in 50’s horror films, and it shows. From the pacing, to the transformation, to the upside-down camera shot, it’s one of the most impressive set pieces of the film.
This was one of the films that put AIP on the map, where they discovered their industry-changing format of the teenager being the center of both the story and the consumer. They would follow it with other teenage-themed horror films like I Was A Teenage Frankenstein, Invasion of the Saucer Men, and Blood Of Dracula. The werewolf himself would make a return in the “horror industry” horror film, How To Make A Monster.