Ten movies to watch on Christmas

I know I haven't been doing as many blog entries as I should, but I have to admit that my life has been taking a rather positive turn lately. My first feature film, Bloodlust, is 85% complete, and the one that's coming after that, a bloody exploitation action film, is in it's creative infancy with a script that just might make it the most outrageous movie to ever come out of Puerto Rico. Not that that's a hard thing to do, considering how spineless the local movie industry is, but hey! You're not here to read about that shit, you're here to see what movies I watch on Christmas, don't you? Yes, Christmas is a beautiful time, where atheists like me reap the rewards of Christian beliefs in order to get presents and money for no work whatsoever. But hey, the movies are what keep me entertained, so let's sink our teeth into 10 Movies to watch on Christmas.

10. Black Christmas

Ah, what a perfect movie to start off the list. The late great Bob Clark directed one of the original slasher films, and it's one of the best. The story features a sorority in the middle of Christmas break, with a killer butchering the girls one by one. There isn't a lot of gore in this picture, but there's a whole lot of atmosphere and some very creative and hallucinogenic death sequences, from the girl choked on the bag, to the hook impaling of the drunken headmother, all with the psychotic POV shot of the killer giggling and crying and doing who-the-fuck-knows-what-else, all to the tune of Canadian snow-filled locations. Clark would go on to make another Christmas classic called A Christmas Story. Meh.

9. Let The Right One In

I know this isn't exactly a Christmas story per se, but ever since I saw it last year, I haven't been able to separate it from the Holiday. It's mostly due to the snow white landscapes and cold atmosphere throughout, which fits appropiately to the tale of a young boy and his vampire best friend, a story of love that puts the Twilight franchise to shame. It will be ruined in the future remake (called 'Let Me In', ugh), but this classic, atmospheric horror/drama is here to stay.

8. It's A Wonderful Life

Now here's a movie that spells Christmas all over the place. I know it's a cliche to mention this film, but sometimes people forget how good this movie really is. For starters, it starts off as a really bleak and depressing film, dealing with a man who wants to kill himself, and he is about to, until he's visited by an Angel who teaches him how much of a difference one man can mean to an entire town. It was Frank Capra's last masterpiece, and a bomb in it's day. Today it's an undisputed masterpiece, and a beautiful film that never gets old.

7. Silent Night, Deadly Night

This isn't a very good movie, not as a horror or Christmas flick. I'm not here to praise it or call it a classic, but since it's a movie I watch EVERY Christmas, I had to include it. The imagery throughout is all Christmassy, and the fact that the killer dresses in a Santa Claus outfit only adds to the atmosphere, chopping people for being naughty and screaming "Punish!" every chance he gets. We also get a topless Linnea Quigley getting impaled on reindeer horns. A topless Linnea Quigley is always welcome in my book.

6. Bad Santa


A comedy for people who hate Christmas and it's rampant consumerism, it's also a pretty hilarious movie filled with Christmas cheer and lots of ridiculously offensive, politically incorrect humor. I love it. I think it's Billy Bob Thornton's best performance, and the late Bernie Mac is surprisingly hilarious in his role as police chief for the mall. His scenes with John Ritter (two dead people, eech) are comedy gold. This one is not for the kiddies, but it will make you laugh like a little kid for sure.

5. The Shop Around The Corner

Another Jimmy Stewart movie! What the fuck? Yeah, this is actually one of the best screen romances ever. The plot revolves around two people, a man and a woman, who hate each other, but are also secretly in love with each other because they're pen pals without realizing it. Yeah, kinda far fetched, but it doesn't matter because the movie is great! Lubisch is able to bring some real beauty and romance into the proceedings, with great performances and a cool Christmas backdrop. The plot was later used in a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan comedy called You've Got Mail, and the less said about it the better.

4. Ikiru

This is the kind of film you have to be in the right mood for, because it can either fill your heart with you or destroy you. It's a very sad, depressing film about a man dying of cancer, who wants to do one last act of kindness before his death, by turning a dump into a public park for children and families to play in. Half the movie is from the man's point of view, and the other is after his funeral, as his co-workers discuss the man's life, and in some cases try to take credit for his work. The ending, with the man, played by Takashi Shimura (Seven Samurai, Godzilla), singing as he slowly freezes to death in the constructed playground he helped create, is one of the most beautiful, moving and saddest moments in the history of cinema, and it's very hard not to cry when watching it. One of Akira Kurosawa's best, and most underrated works.

3. Die Hard

John McClaine is trapped in a building with a group of thieves, and he's kicking ass all over the place. It's violent, bloody, funny and full of kick-ass action. It also takes place during Christmas, which makes it even cooler. The use of holiday songs like Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" just adds to the proceedings. Is this the greatest action movie of the 80's? Why yes, yes it is.

2. Gremlins

It's hard to imagine a movie filled with psychotic little monsters and a sad sequence that made us all realize that there was no Santa could represent a big part of our Christmas-watching tendencies, but it does! The place is full of snow, decorations and Christmas music abounds, although for the most part it's all going to get destroyed. Highlights for me include when the little bastards sing Christmas carols before sending Ms. Deagle to her flying death, and the creatures going nuts in a bar. Phoebe Cates is in this too, she's hot!

and finally, my favorite Christmas film is...

1. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Oh I can already smell the cheese! George Lucas really, really wishes this piece of shit didn't exist, but if you thought the prequels were bad, boy, hold on tight! You haven't lived until you see a bunch of wookies groaning and talking for minutes without subtitles, Han Solo and Chewbacca talking about the Christmas spirit, bad comedy from Art Carney, Bea Arthur as the manliest bartender in the galaxy, and, perhaps more disturbing than anything else, Carrie Fisher singing a Christmas song to the tune of the Star Wars theme. This random parade of WTF was obviously done for the check, but people like me watch this shit over and over instead of smoking pot, as it gets you high just from listening to it. Come on George, hurry up and release an official DVD or Blu-Ray! We're sick of having to rely on bootlegs!

Well, that's it. Hope you all have happy holidays and get some good shit for presents. Except if you're a Jew, then you're fucked.