Tarzan The Ape Man

Wow, how could so many good elements be combined to make such a mayor piece of shit? A Tarzan movie where Tarzan is a damn secondary character! That’s right, this is a star piece for 70’s babe Bo Derek, produced with her own money and directed by her then-husband. It deals with Jane going down to Africa in search of his explorer father, played by Richard Harris who overacts during the whole movie like he had a gun pointed to his face. They get to the forest and become separated and of course, Jane meets Tarzan, who looks like a bodybuilder and whose only emotion is looking pleased. Soon she reunites with her father, but they are all captured by an African tribe made up of black and white people in goofy makeup. Like I said, this movie is ludicrous. Bo Derek is very beautiful and nobody can deny that, especially in this movie, but for God’s sake that does not mean she can act! And boy, she can’t in this one. Everything she thinks is spoken out loud, and all in a stupid “I’m so blonde” kind of voice. When she’s painted she seems especially retarded, as she’s going repeatedly “They’re painting me! And they’re painting my hair!” Bitch, if the worse thing that’s happening to you is getting some body paint, you’re damn lucky.
And don’t get me started on Richard Harris. His scene where he’s captured and telling Jane that he’ll take her to some merry go round, and then starts telling the story of humpty dumpty, is cringe-worthy to say the least. It pierced my brain like a needle, especially since he’s delivering it like it’s a speech from Hamlet! So, was there anything I liked about this film? Well, I actually loved the scenes with the animals, who are better actors than any of our human leads. I also liked that they use the original Johnny Weismuller scream. Oh, and Bo Derek gets naked a lot. I like that. So like I said, this is strictly for Bo Derek fans, and fans of her body in particular. Everyone else, run to the hills!